The Hole in My Holidays

‘Tis the season for making memories, family fun, love & laughter…

Now, let me start by saying I have had my share of amazing Christmases. Memorable gifts, great times spent with friends, and an amazing family to share it all with. They may be known to put the “fun in dysfunctional” at times, but they are truly a family beyond compare.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing anything when it comes to my family, yet somehow when the holiday season rolls around, there is a tiny part of me that is forced to think (Consider yourself warned!). Growing up in a divorced family, Christmases often became a carefully contrived and scheduled series of appearances.  My brother and I never spent a ton of time with my dad growing up, but we could always count on seeing him at least three times a year – Father’s Day, one gathering for our birthdays, and, of course, Christmas.

Fast forward to adulthood and, for some reason not completely understood by me, those three occasions disappeared altogether. Although disappointing, as an adult I learned how to come to a general level of acceptance and tolerance. What I didn’t count on was the surge of all of these repressed emotions erupting to the surface after the birth of my beautiful little boy. You don’t want anything to do with me? Okay. You don’t want to know this perfectly wonderful and innocent human being? Now the gloves are off!

Each year I continue to remind myself that my son is lucky enough to be surrounded by an army of incredible friends & family who love him dearly. Each year I once again tell myself that anyone who chooses not to be part of such a wonderful thing is the one who is suffering the loss.

Yet each year around the holidays I still find myself carefully selecting a handful of pictures, painstakingly crafting a warm yet vague message for the holiday card, neatly scripting the address I still know by heart onto the envelope and mailing off the picture-filled card in the hopes of…. Well, to be honest, I’m not sure.

I guess I just feel like he should know what he’s missing – whether he cares or not. Like it’s important that he’s aware of what an amazing little boy exists in this world that he COULD be fortunate enough to have in his life. At this point, is it even possible that my son would receive any sort of benefit by having a relationship with this stranger-by-choice? To be honest, I have no idea.

So then why do I keep up this one-way holiday ritual each year?

Masochistic tendencies?
Misguided belief that things might one day change?
Naïve inability to accept the inevitable?
Wish I knew…

What I do know is that I want to be completely confident that I have done everything I can to be the one who has kept the door of possibilities open at all costs.

He may not know that this phenomenal pint-sized individual is a taekwondo red belt… or that he hates carrots… or that he has a fantastic sense of humour… or that he gives the best hugs… or that he only eats home-baked cookies… or that he has to have his stuffed “Rudolph & Dexy” buddies with him every night…

But I continue to do what I can to ensure that he WILL know that this beautiful little boy is happy, healthy… and here. And what he chooses to do with that information is up to him.

In the meantime I will continue to cherish each and every moment that this incredible kid is in my life. And thank my lucky stars that we are both surrounded by so many exceptional human beings that we are lucky enough to call ‘our family’.

The Greatest Gift I Never Played

Let me start by saying I’ve received some great Christmas gifts over the years. As a kid, I spent countless hours creating hundreds of baked goods by the light of a 10 watt bulb. The year Santa showed up with our very first video game system was a definite hit (Atari’s Space Invaders, anyone??). The Christmas Eve my brother & I discovered our new Walkmans under the tree was a huge score! (NOTE: IF you were born after 1985 just picture a huge iPod!)

But none of them hold a candle to that one gift that resulted in choirs singing, spotlights beaming down and sheer & utter happiness prevailing. The year I stumbled down the stairs with messy hair and crumpled pyjamas with half-opened eyes and saw it. The gift that made all of the waiting and hoping and praying worthwhile. Yes, it was every little girl’s dream.

Jaws.

That’s right – my happiness that year was found at the bottom of a plastic 12” shark. *Sigh*…

I was too young to be able to actually watch the movie that was sweeping the nation, or even know when or if it was actually safe to go back in the water.  But I knew it was a big thing and come hell or high water I wanted to be part of it too! So forget the dollhouse or the Barbie or the colouring books – it was the Jaws game that was destined to make my Christmas complete.

So there it was at the top of every Christmas list, shared with every mall Santa, circled & dog-eared in every toy catalogue & flyer we received. I wanted – no… I NEEDED this Jaws game to be under my tree Christmas morning.

Thankfully, Santa Claus has a reputation of delivering. Of course, as kids we may not be aware of how many miles Santa may have to cover, how many shopping malls he may need to frequent, how many favours he may need to call in to locate the desired item… All that mattered was that come Christmas morning, my Christmas wish had come true. There amongst the Christmas tree tinsel and orange-filled stockings lay the most beautiful hunk of plastic my 6-year old eyes had ever seen.

I immediately ignored the other gifts that Santa had so generously left to keep my Jaws game company, and got down to business. I gently took the beloved shark out of its box and lovingly set up all of the pieces according to the directions. The goal of the game was to carefully pick the various items out of the shark’s mouth with a hook. If you weren’t careful – SNAP! The mouth snapped shut and the game was over. Seems relatively straightforward, doesn’t it?

So the shark was set up in its place of honour; the plastic tires, boots and other random paraphernalia were strategically placed throughout its mouth; I had finished limbering up and had the hook in my hand ready to rescue that first piece of junk from this fierce competitor. I spied the spare tire leaning haphazardly against the anchor and knew it was an easy rescue. I leaned in slowly – taking all angles into consideration – carefully hooked the inside of the tire and ever so slowly began the extraction process. Slowly….. past the anchor… over the rubber glove… around the old shoe… and……

SNAP!

I never played that game again.

(Sorry Santa!)

Do you have a favourite holiday gift that you'll never forget?

Taking My Holiday Season Back

The sugar rush has faded, the pumpkins have found their way to the curb, and the spooky spiderwebs have been stashed until next October. Where does that leave us? That’s right – Holiday Planning Season. The time of year where sleigh bells and mistletoe are not-so-delicately punctuated with countless items from the endless to-do list.

• Plan the holiday baking.
• Find the best holiday baking recipes.
• Learn how to bake.
• Pull out the holiday decorations.
• Pull out the repair kit to restore the decorations that didn’t survive the Summer storage.
• Head to the store to buy all new decorations.
• Buy Holiday cards.
• Address, sign & mail all Holiday cards.
• Cut self some slack when signed & sealed Holiday cards are found in a closet following Holiday season.
• Make a holiday gift shopping list.
• Vow to complete all holiday shopping without leaving it to the last minute.
• Breathe deeply when braving holiday crowds while shopping at the last minute.

Is it any wonder that the first sound of those jingling bells strikes fear in the hearts of so many of us? So much to do, so little time… so much to accomplish, so little money to go ‘round… such high expectations of holiday spirit, such low levels of patience to be endured…

Well, not this year! This year I’m taking my holiday season back – and I’m going to find my holiday cheer if it kills me!

I will not...

• stress about finding the perfect gift for everyone.
• glare menacingly at the next person who tells me how many shopping days there are until Christmas.
• roll my eyes as the 27th rendition of “Silver Bells” blares over the radio airwaves… in November.
• purposely walk slowly to my parking spot at the mall to irritate the person who has been trailing me with their car since my foot hit the pavement.

I will...

• enjoy any and all holiday cookies that come my way without giving in to the guilt.
• revel in the giddy happiness that the red festive cups at Starbucks bring me.
• take a moment and reflect upon how beautiful the first snowfall really is.
• remember that my son will only be young enough to enjoy the magic of Christmas for a short time and I should enjoy every minute of it.

So that’s that. I am officially vowing to bump “Find & retain my joy” to the top of my Holiday to-do list. I’m inspired, I’m motivated, I’m… going to run to Starbucks to kickstart my campaign with another holiday-themed cup. After that, I’m figuring out what the heck a ‘bobtail’ is, and letting those bells ring!