My Life-After-Cancer-Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-Journey

As I approach the two-year anniversary of the onset of my cancer treatment (which, thankfully, also means we’ll be approaching my two-year anniversary of having it all completed and behind me…), I’ve been able to step back and truly figure out where I am in my journey. Common sense dictates that my cancer journey should officially be over but I’ve come to realize that common sense is not always so common.

Although having cancer was merely one chapter within my journey, I’ve come to realize that, similar to a “choose-your-own-adventure” book, that chapter has greatly influenced the direction of the current and future journeys.

One of the things I’m certain about is that life is filled with uncertainties. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I don’t even know how I’m going to feel about whatever it is that does happen. What I do know, however, is that life is an adventure – and I’m going to do whatever I can to choose the pages that send me down the path towards the ‘happily ever after’.

My hair grows incredibly slowly. After a year and half it still isn’t anywhere near I thought it would be and every time I look in the mirror I still think “in progress”.
But it is growing and it’s long enough to get messed up in the wind on a beautiful summer day.

My body hasn’t fully bounced back from the weight gained during my treatment.
But I’m here and I’m healthy and there aren’t tons of deadly drugs or radiation waves flowing through me anymore.

I still have residual numbness and lack of strength in my arm from my surgery.
But my arms are still strong enough to wrap around all of the people I love in my life.

I can’t help but see my scars and radiation tattoos every single day that serve as constant and permanent reminders of what I’ve been through.
But they are also permanent reminders of what I survived.

I can’t hear phrases like “two-time cancer survivor” or “three-time cancer survivor” or stories about people who have been forced to endure this journey more than once without  feeling the pain through my very core.
But I choose to focus on the word “survivor” and how important it is for me to be grateful for where I am in life right now.

I still have days where I feel sad and think about everything I lost since being diagnosed with cancer – friends, strength and the belief that things like that “can’t happen to me”.
But more often than not I have days where I’m extremely grateful when I think about everything I have gained since being diagnosed with cancer – friends, strength and the knowledge that things like that can happen to me… and I’m stronger for it.

There are days where I still wake up feeling somewhat lost and sad.
But I wake up.

It can be incredibly frustrating to have things like this just “happen” to a person, with no choice in the matter.
But I can choose to focus on what I can control – my passions in life, my happiness, my love for my friends & family… That’s an adventure I would choose every single time.

I'm Running... But Not Necessarily Why You'd Think

 
This time of year always seems full of new beginnings and inspiration – maybe even more than New Years. Maybe it’s the new routines that come with the whole back-to-school world, or perhaps it’s the pull to get outside and enjoy the beautiful Fall weather but I’m always filled with a little bit of restlessness that needs to be channeled into something productive. It’s always seemed like good timing that the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure takes place in the Fall, as it gives me a focus to not only work off the “summer excess” but also channels my energy into a worthwhile cause.

My boys and I have been taking part in this event for the last four or five years and it has always been an incredibly emotional and inspiring experience. Last year, being in the middle of my own cancer journey, everyone understood why we were running. Even though the physical demands were incredibly difficult and the emotional strains were tough to overcome, but obviously the prospect of a cure to end our current suffering was our focus.

This year I have no doubt that everyone will assume I’m running because I had cancer last year. And I am. It is an incredibly moving and overwhelming experience to be standing shoulder-to-shoulder with other woman who are fighting similar battles or with family members who are honouring those whose battles ended far too soon. At the finish line last year I watched a woman in the identifiable pink “survivor shirt” cross the finish line to cheers and hugs from at least 20-30 people with her name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. There were smiles and tears and, to me, it personified the reasons why we do this run.

So yes, I’m running because I’m a cancer survivor – or surTHRIVOR, as the inspirational Look Good Feel Better workshops founder, Sherry Abbott, wrote. I’m eternally grateful to be on the other side of this journey and I want to make sure that neither I, nor any of my loved ones, ever have to deal with such an ordeal again. I’m running to raise both money and awareness and to send good karma out to the universe in the hopes that positive energy can help eradicate something so incredibly negative. This year, as always, I am running for a cure – but this year, I’m also running for so much more: 

• I’m running because one in nine women diagnosed with this disease is one woman too many.

• I’m running so that no woman ever has to feel like a patient and not a woman.

• I’m running so that no woman ever has to look at the scars on her breasts – or the places where her breasts used to be – and ever feel less than a beautiful woman.

• I’m running so that no other woman ever has to sit beside her little boy as he helps pull out handfuls of her hair.

• I’m running so that no other man has to look at his wife and be forced to imagine a future without her.

• I’m running so that no child ever has to write “My Mom” as their reason for joining the event.

• I’m running so that no woman ever has to attend their child’s school event and fight back tears as they wonder if they’ll ever get to see another one.

• I’m running so that every woman can look forward to and attend their children’s milestones in life and cheer them on every step of the way.

• I’m running so that friendships are never lost because the journey has become too complicated or difficult.

• I’m running so that no woman ever has to feel lost and alone as they navigate their “new normal” following their own journey.

• I’m running so that no woman ever has to face losing their battle and the thought of leaving her friends and family behind.

• I’m running so that no family or friends ever have to say goodbye.

• I’m running because I love my son and my husband more than life itself and they’re not getting rid of me that easily! ;)

I’m also running because my incredibly 9-year old has set a goal to beat both my husband and myself in fundraising donations. So if you’re looking to donate, it’s a great cause – and if you’re looking to help beat cancer AND make a little boy's day, you can donate here .

For more information on the CIBC Run for the Cure, as well as how to Register, Donate or Volunteer, join the conversation on Twitter or Facebook.

Why You May Not Get a Thank You From Me

There are times when it’s extremely difficult to find words that accurately convey a certain thought or feeling – even for me! Sometimes in the act of looking at the words themselves, you’re left with a feeling that something’s just “missing”. Such is the case when I read these two words:

Thank you

Now, this phrase is one that shouldn’t be unfamiliar to most people (although, sadly, I have encountered my share of people who could use a quick refresher!), yet somehow when I look at it, it’s just not enough. I’ve tried thanks, gracias, danke, merci, mahalo, grazie, much obliged, cheers, and even “back at ya” but no luck.

Over the last 10 months, I have been so incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by acts of kindness from friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. Cancer can be extremely isolating, yet somehow the whole “it takes a village” philosophy stood up, took over and surrounded us with support and love that was truly beyond my comprehension. For Type A personalities like me, it can be extremely difficult to hand over the reins and ask for help at any point, even when faced with a challenge like facing – and beating – cancer. It can be extremely easy to push people away in an attempt to prove how strong, independent and capable a person can still be.

I’m so glad my ‘village’ didn’t listen.

So even though these two words will never fully convey the sincere appreciation, gratitude and love behind them, I would be remiss not to take the opportunity to provide a special “shout out” to the best support network a person could have.

Thank you for the countless emails, cards, voicemail messages, tweets and more that not only served as a continued reminder of the support that surrounded me but also kept me engaged and connected with the ‘real world’.

Thank you for the amazing meals, snacks and desserts that magically appeared on my doorstep a few times a week during times of intense treatments. It was such a relief to have one less thing to worry about – and has now become quite a challenge as I attempt to replicate some of the incredible meals we were all treated to!

Thank you for the random surprise gifts that showed up on occasion – the lattes & lemon poppyseed loaves, the books, magazines & DVDs, the bottles of wine, the chocolate treats, the “just because” gifts… All the things that somehow miraculously arrived when I was at my lowest points and served their purpose by lifting my spirits to get through another day… with a smile.

Thank you to the incredibly talented individuals in my life who shared their gifts with us by capturing positive memories during a less-than-ideal time. From beautiful family portraits at the onset of the journey to celebratory pictures commemorating the end of the treatment process, I felt so incredibly blessed to have our lives documented in such a creative and amazing fashion – by such creative and amazing individuals.

Thank you for the company – whether it was catching a ride to various treatments or appointments, or just hanging out on the couch watching bad TV, it’s an incredibly comforting experience to pass such unpleasant times with such amazing people.

Thank you to those people who just “did” rather than “asked”. Now don’t get me wrong – when your life is in constant turmoil, any positive thought, energy and prayer is always appreciated. And sometimes it can be difficult to know what people truly want or need. But it was such a relief for me (in a weird non-Type A sort of way) to just have things done for me, rather than have to figure out what could be done. Not having to schedule, ask or even think can definitely be a blessing!

Thank you for remembering my family – the phone calls & emails to my rockstar husband just to make sure he was alright and had someone to talk to if he needed it; the playdates, activities & even little gifts for my amazing little boy so that his world could remain as “normal” and “fun” as possible. After spending so much time as the unwanted centre of attention, it meant so much to me that the two centres of my world could take their own much-deserved turn on the pedestal.

Thank you for keeping things normal – when something shakes up the normal routines of life like this, it can be quite normal for all thoughts, activities and conversations to revolve around the situation at hand. Obviously, I have had no problem discussing any part of my journey to-date, however it’s definitely a welcomed change of pace to chat about the crummy weather, bratty kids or the crazy lineup at the drive through. Just because my “normal” was put on hold, doesn’t mean anyone else’s has to be – it’s nice to stay connected.

So there you have it – some of the countless reasons why “thank you” just doesn’t cut it. This is the reason why all of the incredible people in my world who helped us through this won’t get a thank you. Instead, please know that you have touched my life and my heart with your kindness and have helped to make this journey memorable for the right reasons, rather than the painful ones.


 “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” Oscar Wilde

*Photo credit: www.tumblr.com

Bare With Me

Let me start by saying that body image has always been an issue for me. I’ve owned one bikini in my entire life – and it only made one appearance during Spring Break in university, where I was probably too hung over to fully appreciate what I was doing! I have spent countless hours wishing that my pre-Spanx tummy would just miraculously stay that way without assistance from the wonders of spandex, and I am now far too familiar with every last little wrinkle that has taken up permanent residence on my face – without paying rent. Sadly, I know I’m not alone in this critical obsession with my body and all the things that it isn’t, wasn’t or perhaps never will be.  

Over the past nine months, my body has definitely been put through the ringer – blood tests, mammograms, ultrasounds, chemo treatments, radiation, breast exams, nausea, sore muscles… poking, prodding… Trust me, we’ve done it all. If there was ever a “real” reason to hate my body, this should have been it – after all, my body allowed this tumour to form. It was the reason that all of this invasiveness occurred. It let me down.

Well, as I sit here being six weeks post-treatment (and cancer-free!), here’s what I’ve come to realize. My body is exceptional. It endured months of poking, prodding and poisoning. And it survived. I’m finished my treatments, the cancer is gone, and I’m still here. Here to hug and kiss my beautiful boy each and every day. Here to fall asleep with my husband’s arms around me every night. Here to share my story and thank everyone who was there for me. Here.

My body and I have started coming to an understanding. We’re working out together again. We’ve gone back to focusing on healthy eating again. We’re trying to get to normal energy levels again. We may not always see eye to eye on what we should be able to feel or accomplish, but we’re working on it. Together.

Why is it that we’re all so critical of our bodies and so quick to list its flaws? Maybe its time to start celebrating what our bodies ARE and not what they are NOT. I’m so proud of my body for surviving cancer. I’m proud that it’s allowed me to not only survive but to move forward and accomplish all of the things I want to do with my life. Besides, how can I stay mad at something that allowed me to create, carry and deliver the most amazing gift ever given to me almost nine years ago?

So can I triumphantly announce that I have moved beyond all of my body issues and insecurities? Nope. I still cringe when I’m forced to step on the scale at each doctor’s appointment. I still glare at the untoned mushiness that eight months on the couch has left me with. And I’m still hypersensitive to the stares in my direction – real or perceived – while I’m out sporting my “GI Jane” hairdo. But what I can say is that each of these insecurities are now grounded in and complemented by a new foundation of appreciation. My body may not always look the way I’d like it to but what’s important is that it’s there for me. Like a true friend. One that I need to celebrate and appreciate. 

So in the spirit of appreciating “the new normal” and celebrating what “is” rather than what it “should be”, it’s time to step outside of my comfort zone and bare it all -   no more hiding behind surgical gowns, baggy sweaters, wigs or scarves. I vow to be defined by things other than extra pounds, added wrinkles, or a lack of hair. I’m sure there will be days that are easier than others  but I know it’s a journey… and I’m on my way. So ‘bare’ with me… ;)

P.S. Huge shout-out to the amazing Leah Kirin of Forever Moments for helping me "bare the baldness"!

My Back-up Blessings

My Back-up Blessings

We all know that Thanksgiving is a great time to count your blessings and be grateful for all of the wonderful things that have a place in your life. Like many people, my health, my wonderful family, and my amazing friends maintain a much-deserved position at the top of the list. Pretty much a no-brainer, right? So this Thanksgiving I thought I would take a moment to appreciate my “Backup Blessings” – you know, the things that randomly make break into a mental ‘happy dance’ when they happen…

•    The seat heater in my car. Seriously, I run that thing until June!

•    Catching Starbucks on a day where they’re handing out free samples (Free coffee? Bring it on!)

•    Finding that all the socks that went into the washing machine actually made their way into and out of the dryer. Miraculous!

•    Hitting nothing but green lights when I’m running late (assuming, or course, there are times when I’m NOT running late!)

•    When the duvet actually stays where it belongs instead of ending up in a pool down by my feet

•    Good hair days. Enough said.

•    Good mail days – gotta love anytime there’s a magazine, a product sample or anything to offset the drudgery of bills & junk mail!

•    Seeing comments on my blog or Facebook pictures. I love being acknowledged!

•    Paying for something and finding out there’s an extra discount I didn’t know about. Score!

•    Waking up and realizing there are still hours to go before my alarm goes off

•    Remembering there’s a secret chocolate stash in the cupboard

•    Finding out there’s actually some chocolate in the secret chocolate stash when I get there!

•    Making a dinner that everyone will eat willingly without turned up noses or picked out pieces

•    Putting on a pair of socks and realizing there are no holes or runs in them (a sad glimpse into the state of my sock drawer!)

•    Thinking I have no cash in my wallet and then discovering that through the miracle of endless loonies & toonies, I actually have enough for a latté and a lemon poppyseed loaf (Nirvana!)

•    Finding a pair of nylons in my drawer that don’t have a run in them.

•    Not having to wear nylons

•    Needing batteries and finding some. Then finding out they actually work!

•    Finding money in my coat pocket or pair of jeans. A surprise savings plan!

•    Those mittens that open up and are gloves underneath. It’s like the best of both worlds!

•    Breaking off the perfect length of dental floss (too long is a waste, too short won’t stay on the fingers! I know… I have issues…)

•    Call display. Sometimes knowing who I’m not talking to can be a beautiful thing…

So do any of these things displace the sheer happiness I feel when I’m surrounded by all of the incredible people in my life? Of course not. I love my son, my husband, and the rest of my family with all my heart and not a day goes by where I don’t remind myself of how lucky I am to have them.

That being said, some reading a new magazine, while spending some ‘found money’ on a coffee… all while enjoying matched socks and a good hair day never hurt anyone!

What are your back-up blessings?